G.M. Nair's Excuse For A Newsletter #4

Where have I been? Where have YOU been?

Hey guys, it’s been a while! How’ve you been? Quarantined? Well, that’s great.

Given the horrible circumstances of the real world, I will not be doing any actual April Fools Day pranks. That’s right, this newsletter will be 100% real stuff. Whether you’ll like that stuff is a whole different story.

Anyway, aside from a terrifying virus that’s consumed my thoughts for weeks on end, things have been pretty busy around here and there have been some changes.

#1) Due to the ineptitude of my unpaid intern Chet, we’ve had to move to Substack, because apparently MailChimp gets pissed when SOMEONE tries to hijack their boss’ newsletter to sell vape juice.

No, you didn’t. You told me to go suck my own ass.

#2) Now that we’re on Substack, all of you new subscribers can go back through the archives of old posts, if you’re really really bored.

Chet, I swear to god, if I wasn’t quarantined in this office with you, I would put you in jail.

#3) I’ve been real busy over the past couple of months.

No! Well, at least not all the time! It actually means I have a bunch of exciting news to share with everyone, and that’s probably the reason you signed up for this newsletter. So, let’s get down to it!

Who’s Talking About Me Now?

No one! No one’s talking about me now. It’s all ‘COVID-19’ this and ‘Devastating Pandemic’ that. Guys, it’s really hard out there for someone who craves attention. I know it’s the apocalypse, but what about ME?

The Duckett & Dyer: Dicks For Hire Section

If you're new here, you may be aware of my seminal non-award-winning independent sci-fi/mystery/comedy book Duckett & Dyer: Dicks For Hire. If you haven't, you soon will, because that's what I'm going to be plugging in this section. Click the image below and check it out! The ebook is only $2.99, and is available for free on Kindle Unlimited.

If you'd prefer not to support Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos (I like to call him Jeff BEELZEBUB-OS!), then please e-mail your local independent bookstore or hit up IndieBound.Org and ask for Duckett & Dyer: Dicks For Hire by name.

In any case, hopefully you’ve read it, because the sequel is coming out real soon! Get ready for The One-Hundred Percent Solution!

Yeah, that’s right! I spent the last few months putting the finishing touches on it, and I’m happy to announce that it’ll be out this April 15th. That’s right! This month, get on board for another ride on the crazy train that is Duckett & Dyer! And to further whet your appetite, I’m revealing the cover right now as an exclusive* for all you newsletter subscribers!

*exclusive until about 5 minutes later when I post it on Twitter.

The Future Group is the city’s biggest and most lucrative company even though no one really knows what it is they do. Michael Duckett has worked there for four years and he still has no clue. All he knows is that he hates his meaningless job and all the people in it. But it pays the bills. Bills that have been stacking up since his roommate and best friend Stephanie Dyer decided to open a detective agency – despite her chronic inability to commit to anything.When Michael is suddenly fired, he and Stephanie are forced to return to the world of private investigation against his better judgment. A mysterious woman wants to enlist the services of Duckett & Dyer: Dicks For Hire to track down an assassin who has a bone to pick with Michael’s former employer. Apparently, The Future Group has been harboring a deadly secret for decades. One that could put the world in the grip of an indescribable horror.

It turns out Michael was lucky to get out of that job alive. Too bad he and Stephanie are being dragged back to work.

Special thanks, of course, go to my friend and cover artist Tareque Powaday for another beautiful cover. Now mark your calendars for April 15th! Right on top of that Tax Day notification. The Federal Government can’t stop me from releasing more Duckett & Dyer, no matter how many Marine Hit Squads they send!

A Giveaway?

To celebrate the release of The One-Hundred Percent Solution, I will be giving one lucky SOB a free digital copy upon release. All you have to do is e-mail me with your favorite quote from the first book (Duckett & Dyer: Dicks For Hire), and I’ll pick an entry at random on April 15th!

And if you stopped reading this newsletter several paragraphs ago, tough chickens.

Did you even read the first one?

No. You can’t enter. Go crawl back into whatever gutter you congealed in.

But Wait. There’s More!

That’s not ALL the Duckett & Dyer content you’ll be getting this month. As part of a special collaboration, the SFF Fools Guild - a bastion of sci-fi/fantasy humor - has releasing ILL- HUMORS: a free collection of short stories to help people get their minds off the fact that their own homes have become anti-disease prisons.

But enough about that, the collection also includes a new, never before seen Duckett & Dyer short that takes place after ‘The One-Hundred Percent Solution’ called ‘The Strange Little Life of Adrian Pancake’:

Adrian Pancake is the victim of a terrible accident. His body crushed and broken, he is confined to a hospital bed in a full body cast. So when the mysterious Dr. Keene offers Adrian a full body reconstruction, all he can do is smile and nod. But this procedure comes at a price, one that's only revealed when erstwhile, annoying detectives Michael Duckett and Stephanie Dyer take up the case, and Adrian's life will never be the same again.

Are there spoilers for The One-Hundred Percent Solution? I mean, yeah. A little. Maybe you should just download and save it for later. Did I time this right? Absolutely not. Blame the Coronavirus.

ILL-HUMORS also features stories by Steve Thomas (Mid-Lich Crisis), Aaron C. Cross (Untitled Spy Story: A Novel), Quenby Olson (Lady Griffith’s Second Chance), and Clayton Snyder (River of Thieves).

You can grab the free ebook, right here on SmashWords.

Right. Well, in any case, ‘The Strange Little Life of Adrian Pancake’ is also a sneak peek at what the future holds for Duckett & Dyer, as its the first in a series of short stories that will form the backbone of Duckett & Dyer 3: The Legend of Curly’s Gold*

*working title

What The Hell Else Do You Want From Me?

Are you kidding me? I just gave you so much content. This is arguably more content than I’ve ever put in a newsletter before.

Regardless, I'm always eager to hear comments, questions, and stupid ideas from my extremely beautiful and intelligent audience. If there's something you'd like me to do in a future edition of this newsletter, let me know! I'd love to create some unique content based on your suggestions because it saves me mental energy from making stuff up on my own. You will receive no credit.

And if anyone can figure out how I can murder Chet and make it look like an accident, I’ll send you a free copy of my books, as well.Anyway, that's all from me this month guys. Thanks for reading and stay well!

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